27.04.15

I havent felt the need to write in sometime because I couldn’t figure out what I wanted to say. I am off to a new adventure soon. Me and boyfriend have bought a house together and I am planning to move there but coming this idea of having to move to be with someone has been harder than I thought. I am leaving my best friend, my parents and my whole life to behind to be with this one person. Everyday I battle with myself do I stay or do I do.

I am always doing for others putting my personal life on hold or just not having time to have a relationship I feel super selfish that I am moving and I can say that I am okay with leaving it all behind but I have to be honest I am not.

I am not okay that I am going to be alone when my boyfriends not home.

I am not okay that when times get hard I cant go see my best friend or get a well needed hug when I need one from my parents.

I am not okay with leaving my dog behind (She’s staying with my parents for a while)

“You know a friend is found when you are happy to see them. You know love is found when it hurts to leave them

9.10.2014

i have horrible night terrors. no matter what i do i cant seem to get rid of them. i have them every night no matter what happens i cant seem to get there in time. normally its one person. sometimes it happens to my mom , dad, dezaray but it just happens to me a person who will remain unknown.

its a cold winter night i am downtown and i can see someone running in the distance and something doesn’t look right so i drop what i have in my hands and run as fast as i can. normally i can see them drop to the ground. when i get there i see his face. i drop to my knees taking him in my arms and telling him its going to be okay. that someone is on there way. i scream for help and no one looks at me and no one will help me . someone comes but its to late and knowing he’s gone. i get up with blood on my clothes sometimes i wake up there.

Normally this happens every time i fall asleep. this never goes away.  i close my eyes and see his face. theres nothing i can do. i feel guilty every day even though i know that there wasn’t anything i could.

8.24.2014

I always have the need to not know speak my mind when i need to or what i need to at the right times. 

This blows when you have the right time to say something that has been eating away at you for months the simples words that could either be an i love you or a fuck you. you make that choice. 

we never understand if its going to be okay when we speak our minds. but i get caught up with wondering if i should keep it to myself or let it go. 

i could right down a million points of time that i could have spoke my mind but all i want now is closure. 

i hope you understand what i dont care what you do with yourself after this. 

 

8.1.2014

I dont understand why everyone has to put their two cent in about things that i want. such has my side cut or doing something. i have someone peoples opinions that i understand like d’s she tell me things not to make me feel bad about what im wanting to but trying to make understand in away that doesnt make me feel attacked. My parents will tell me how they well in the most attacking voice. of course im going to get mad and attack back.
I understand that people care but its how you deliver the what your saying and choosing your words than how you would normally say it. I get a thought of why dont you tell me how to you really feel spark then im ready to fight.

3.26.2014

Sitting here in a school that i dont even go with my london log beside me, i cant help but reflect what has already happened to day and its only shortly after 11am. Todays doctors appointment didnt go a well as i hoped it would go. If you know me you know that i have seizures that, which is embarrassing for the fact that i’ve had to go to the hospital many times while out and about it makes me nervous when i go i have anxiety about going anywhere.    

3:21:2014

Have you ever had that one person everyone tells you should stay away from and not talk to and you seem to have the trill of texting him or even seeing them when no one else knows. Hiding the fact that your almost addicted to the trill of being with the person you shouldn’t be doing what ever with. 

Im having this temptation right now.An old flame came home from basic training and theres still “feeling” there. I also feel like when he texts me that i need to be kinda sassy. which is really weird, i start getting sassy and flirty. The fact of the matter is i need to block this person and delete his number and forget him but…. he looks so good in a uniform… It doesnt matter what i seem to do it seems to get worst and worst.

The troubles keep coming.

 

 

A Hiding Place.

Do you ever have that one place that you havent been in a while but long to be again because of the memories stuck to a place. a moment in time where you had no cares in the world. The moments you shared with your loved ones.

My grandmothers old house is what i like to call my mental hiding spot. Its where we went on summer holidays and in the winter to see my grandmother. I havent been in this house in over 11 years and i can still smell spray that my ma used after she quit smoking, how the living room looked and how everything was placed. i can even see how the oven looked like.

This is the only place i would every cling to as a child as a home. knowing that i would soon have to leave , ma being the smart woman she was gave me a stuff animal which still sits on my bed and we still do the same trick. due to us living in two different places which seemed like a worlds. She gave me big foot a stuff yeti looking animal who she would sprinkle her expensive lemon based body spray into to big foot. She told me that if i was to ever miss her i would give it a hug and it would be like hugging her. We still do this after almost 20 years i find it hard to leave ma. Now her new house is like my hiding spot.

Ma has been one of the people that i know if i was having a hard day were every i am i could call even if shes in the middle of a nap has time to talk to you and find away to help you know matter how long it takes and how much the phone bill is. She took me when i had given hope on life and taught me that its nots always what you to do for yourself but what you can do for others. Also that even if your family talks over one and other its better to wait your turn and laugh at the end then start interrupting and start word war three at christmas dinner.

3:11:2014: Being scared of everything

ive you ever thought you never belonged?

Even though i have people say that i get along with everyone and that i belong somewhere half of the time i don’t feel like it. The fact is that i’m scared to belong to something. like a club or a group. I’m scared of 90% of everything. walking on ice even though i walked on in it twice this week it still scared the living crap out of me. My Parents have sheltered me pretty much my whole life i was able to go to the mall at 13 by myself like most girls did. not being able to see my favorite bands because i was told no because my mom said it wasn’t a good area and i could get robbed or hurt due to it being a not so nice area.

This made me feel embarrassed and made it okay to stay home all the time. not going outside to enjoy the nice weather in the summer. I understand that i am able now to go out side my comfort zones to do things. like walking on the ice or going to that not so nice area of town. Up to a year ago i had anxiety about leaving my house and having to go to school because i had such a bad fear of being judged by people i went to school with because i was 400 pounds and known as the weird kid.

Being known always as the weird kid sucks. i made friends with this one girl who at the beginning of grade 12 told a bunch of lies and turned about 98% of the school against me. I started to get anxiety being because people who didnt even know me knew what she had said about me and it hurt me alot. Around christmas it started to get worst and worst till i finally snapped and tried to kill myself. i know life is worth living but not at that point. i was a huge mess thank god for my family and dezaray for helping me find a way to feel happy again and become healthy. I moved to kenora where my grandma and auntie live and i started my last half of year one of grade 12 at this small high school. In the first day sucked i went home crying on the school bus and told my grandmother i was never going back there even if she paid me. The next morning she walked me to the bus stop and gave me a “ma hug” smiled as she sat on her walker then walked home. That day my grandmother taught me how helped me understand how much love can save someone.

over the 4 months i went to this school me and dezaray talked either over phone or skype every day and had “skype” sleepovers.

sadly my friend committed suicide on December 16th 2012

3:10:14

its like 3:42am and i cant sleep. 

I over think everything. which is really stupid. 

I have been trying to think of things to say when writing my blog and its not working at all. 

I start school in 29 days! how exciting is this whole thing. 

2.24.14

Ive come up with an awesome idea for my show. Im thinking about making mixtape’s for a couple people maybe like 20 depending on how much money i have and just hand them out. Its a great convo starter. 

Hi. im megan and i like to talk about falling in and out of love with to many people because i cant keep my emotions in check whats your story?

this sucks how im feeling right now.